#I cried myself while writing this if it's any consolation

[itsnotgray]

should’ve seen it coming | cole caufield

what if grumpy x sunshine didn’t work out?

never saw myself writing for cole, but i asked @fantillisdaylight for a few players and i liked this …thing? more than i thought i would. so yeah, hope you guys enjoy!

~

what if sweet, ball of sunshine cole started going out with this grumpy, not so easily impressed girl.

and for a while, it’s perfect, just like all the movies- but then reality sets in.

their differences that they thought they could move past, were too big for the couple to overcome.

cole, who feels like he can’t be anything but sunshine. with her hardened demeanor, he’s terrified that if he gives in to how he really feels, she may not be able to console him.

and she, who feels so intimidated at the thought of letting cole into her head. she’s the complete opposite of sunshine- and the idea of letting cole into the storm cloud she calls her brain is frightening.

eventually, it all comes to a head after a bad game. he comes over to her apartment, hoping her presence can work its magic like usual. but it can’t. cole’s upset, he’s been upset, and he can’t be bothered to hide it anymore.

“cole i’m here to help you-“ she starts, before she’s cut off.

“are you really though? because you don’t seem like it. most people that want to console someone don’t stand there with that blank fucking look on their face,” he bites back, frustration bubbling off of him like steam off a boiling pot of tea.

and she recoils, because there it is. it always happens eventually. she can’t be as expressive as her partner wants her to, and they leave, frustrated that something as simple as a smile or enthusiasm is so hard to draw out from her.

“i’m trying cole, i swear i am. i want to help you, i mean it. let me be there for you,” she begs, trying to stop the outcome she can sense is looming on the horizon.

but he can’t. he’s frustrated, he wants to advertise his fears, his struggles, but that fear of his emotions being too much for her to cope with creeps up again. and so he shuts down, putting up walls he didn’t know he had.

“just- forget it. we’re done here,” he frustratedly lets out.

“what do you mean we’re done here cole? you’re clearly upset- let me be there for you,” she exasperatedly states, tears of frustration building at being stone walled by her normally joyful boyfriend.

“not just here. we’re done, period. i can’t do this anymore,” he says, headed to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water, hoping that’ll cool the accumulated rage that’s been simmering inside of him for so long, silenced by his need to keep up happy-go-lucky appearances.

his hand grips the cup tightly, as he quietly mutters “i’ll sleep on the couch and be gone by the morning.”

“cole, i- why the hell are you- forget it. clearly i never meant jack shit to you if it’s that easy to call it quits,” she says, mostly to herself, storming off to her bedroom, only letting her tears fall once her back is turned to the boy, who’s walls are now crumbling as he sobs quietly in the kitchen.

but his walls, defense mechanisms he’s never really engaged before, make one final move at protecting his heart.

“fucking avoid it like you usually do. real fucking nice that our relationship is crumbling before our eyes and you can’t utter one fucking word that makes it seem like you’ve ever given a shit,” he practically yells into the darkness of her house, but despite the darkness, the words reach her ears.

there it is. the final nail in the coffin. at his rage-filled words, her back hits the door, hand coming up to muffle the cries building in her throat, emotions begging to come out and scream “i’m here, i promise! she may hide me, but im here!”

her hand is practiced in the action though, and her cries of despair never reach the air.

two lovers that in any perfect world could worked.

two lovers torn apart by a beast that king eurythesus should’ve forced hercules to face in his labors, for then the hero surely wouldn’t have been successful.

a beast by the name of miscommunication.

[enluv]

love spill !

PAIRING! - rockstar!jay (enha) x fem!reader

wc: 1.3k+

warnings: angst-ish but not really + fluff later !!, reader is stressed/exhausted, profanity, slow burn(?)

coco’s ♡ note: this came from a mini game I answered once and literally could not get over because I need rockstar bf jay so badly, I might make more with this jay too so let me know if you like it or have any rockstar!bf jay thoughts because I will indulge and write them !!! literally adore this jay so much ahhhh!!!

Finally.

Finally some piece and quiet away from the shared apartment you live in with the three younger boys.

Perhaps living with your younger brother and his university friends wasn’t the best idea, especially when you had a ten page journalism report due by three pm the next day.

That’s why you find yourself here on a hot summers day sitting in your favorite cafe, it’s not busy on Fridays and is hidden enough so the boys won’t find you for a while, but they will come looking eventually.

The bell of the cafes door rings to signify it being opened but this report is due tomorrow and you can’t stop to look up, but maybe you should have. Maybe you should have because now as you watch the hot brown liquid seep into your laptops keyboard you become painfully aware of the boy in front of you who’d walked in early wearing the most guilt ridden expression. His words muffled as you watch your screen go black.

“Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m so sorry. Wait here let me get something to clean this up.” He’s fumbling with the other drinks in his hand as he tries to reach for napkins to clean the spill he’s made.

Where else would you go really? Right now you’re just waiting for the ground to swallow you whole. Had the program even saved the other three pages you’d written? Was your hard work gone just like that? Would your professor even believe you if you told him what happened? Even if it sounded straight out of a movie?

“Just leave it, I’ll clean it myself. Please leave.”

He stills at your words, no malice or emotions within them just exhaustion. The tone of your voice makes his heart ache, and he swears to himself that he’s going to make up for this for the rest of his life.

“I’m sorry for this really, I need to leave because I have a schedule to get to but I promise I’ll make this up to you. Can I have your number?”

Your stare makes him feel small, then he realizes how his question sounds after a minute passes between you two.

“Wait I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not asking you out. Not saying I wouldn’t ask you out but I’m not doing that right now! I just need it so I can text you to pay you back, or I can pay to get your laptop fixed. I’ll send you the money or even if you want buy you a new one.”

Jay can’t tell what you’re thinking but somehow he’s walking out of the cafe with your phone number and an assortment of drinks for his members. Dreading having to explain to them just what happened in the cafe.

unknown (2:46pm):

uh hey this is jay, I’m the one who dropped my coffee on your laptop, really sorry about that by the way!! um i want to give you these so I can say sorry again in person because my mom always said to apologize face to face or you don’t mean it and also that way we can figure out the laptop money thing together.

unknown (2:47pm):

four attachments sent

just stop by tomorrow and have some fun and then after I’ll come find you and we can talk!! what’s your name by the way?

you (3:12pm):

it’s y/n. thanks, I’ll see you tomorrow.

“I cannot believe some random dude gave you tickets to see downfall, like this show has been sold out for months and I mean months, talking eight months and he just gave up four tickets to see them? He must be loaded! Tell him you want a new computer and game console, I want the newest version.”

Jungwon’s excited rambles bring a smile to your face, sure just yesterday you’d cried almost all the water out your body until Jungwon had called your professor and explained in detail (along with sticking the phone in your room so he could hear your cries) the situation, but he’d also somehow gotten you an extension on your paper for the next week. He seriously deserved the random concert tickets the stranger, Jay, had sent you.

Receiving them was odd but he’d convinced you with the promise of fixing your laptop and that’s honestly all that mattered, so if you had to sit through a three hour long show next to some stranger who spilled coffee on your laptop then so be it because you’d be getting it fixed no matter what.

Except instead of said random stranger sitting next to you, an actual random stranger stood beside you excitedly yapping with her friends and the random stranger you had expected was perched on stage with a guitar in hand, microphone stationed in front of him like it belonged to him, and soon enough you’d realize from the crowds hollers that it did belong to him.

“ARE YOU READY FOR TONIGHT?” He’s met with screams all around the arena.

“That’s what I like to hear, alright let’s go.”

The shock of who Jay was really didn’t cease even after the show had ended and the four of you began to walk out the packed venue, it doesn’t really go away until a large man comes to escort you backstage.

“Hey buddy I think you have the wrong people, we’re just here still because my sisters waiting for someone.” Jungwon’s voice breaks you out of your shock and the man nods as if he knew what he was going to say.

“Yeah he’s backstage, just follow me.”

Jay fidgets with the bag he has in his hands, earlier he’d dragged the boys along with him to pick you out a new laptop and even threw in a new case and holder for it. He really wanted to get the image of your exhausted eyes out of his mind, he wanted to see you happy and healthy.

“Y/N you didn’t tell us the guy who spilled coffee on you was one of the members of downfall,” the voice he hears is failing to whisper as you get closer.

“Are we about to meet one of the members? What if it’s just like a staff or something like why would an actual member be getting their coffee and oh my god that’s the lead singer Jay.”

He laughs shyly at the boy who’s mouth is now wide open pointing excitedly at him, but he quickly shuts up as he spots you. You look so pretty, completely different from when he’d last saw you drenched in coffee and exhaustion all over your face. Right now you looked content and really really pretty.

“Hey Y/N, I know I said I’d give you the money to fix your laptop but I thought you should just have a completely brand new one, I’m really sorry for spilling my coffee on yours, I’m sure you were busy and needed it, I hope you can use this new one well,” his breath hitches as he holds out the bag to you and your fingers touch briefly, “and I hope you liked the show, I see your friends did.” He sends a wave their way and laughs when they all excitedly wave back.

A smile begins to develop on your cheeks and his heart races. This is exactly how he’d like to see you, happy and smiling.

Later that night as you pull out the new laptop determined to finish your nearly complete paper, a small card flutters out with it that reads —

“I wrote this to say not only sorry again, but to also ask if you’d like to go out with me sometime? and I mean it this time, as in I am actually asking you out unlike last time when I, you know accidentally asked you out unintentionally, this time I promise it’s intentional. Please let me make up the god awful first meeting we had, I promise it’ll be worthwhile. You have my number so if you want to then just shoot me a text but if not then that’s fine with me too! – Jay”

A smile forms on your face as you set down the card and get to working on your essay, the answer to Jay’s proposition already clear in your mind. Yes.

coco’s love note: i am so terribly down bad for jay it’s crazy. he’s so just perfect like I adore him so much!! and I’m the biggest rockstar!jay enthusiast like I just had to write something about it, plus I think it’s so adorable how he’s clumsy in this fic but a crazy rager on stage & only mc gets to see both sides of him fully! I hope you enjoyed this fic! As always, feedback & reblogs are appreciated! Thank you for reading <3

enhypen taglist?! @en-fvr @bloom-bloom-pow @nikis-mum @yourlocalhotgf @kyublr @spoooooooooooon @enhacolor @yoongimooni @blaqpinksthectic @gyuuss @eternallyhyucks @dinosdance @simpforsung @misschubswrites @junityy @jjunry @jwonsgirl @fxckingshame @stealanity @haoreo @jxp1t-3r @chaerybae @bobariki @vatterie (bold can’t be tagged!) Wanna be added to the taglist? – Check out THIS post!

[canonicallyobserving911]

WIP Wednesday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

Season 7 FANON FanFic: Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 27 will be posted soon.

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Currently 26 chapters completed: 1M Words; Rated: Mature

One chapter will be posted at a time.

___________

I'm excited to finish writing Chapter 27 because at the end of Chapter 26, while Buck was sleeping, he made a sound that Eddie hadn't heard before. He immediately sat up in bed and called Eddie's name but he was in a daze and to Eddie, he appeared to be still dreaming but since his eyes were open, he started talking to him to get his attention.

They spent the majority of the day before in the hospital after Buck collapsed in Eddie's arms and suffered a bradycardia event of epic proportions. He was unconscious and unresponsive after he received a package that was delivered to the firehouse while they were in Europe. Once he opened it and read the letter, he reached the part where it stated someone died and it reminded him of his own death and it triggered the event.

He had an MRI, EKG and an ultrasound to confirm what prompted the two events. After the results were returned, Dr. Salazar discharged him with a Holter monitor that he has to wear for 48-hours so she can check to make sure his heart hasn't suffered any long-term effects from the lightning strike. Currently, they're home alone since Chris is still at a sleepover.

___________

Here's a snippet from Chapter 27 of Eddie trying to console his husband after he woke up in a state of sheer horrifying terror.

___________

The sounds escaping Buck’s lips through his cries are filled with pain and suffering and Eddie recognizes it because he remembers it’s how he sounded when he started destroying every piece of furniture in his bedroom with a baseball bat almost two years ago.

“I love you.”  Eddie admits.  Then he starts speaking Italian.  “Ti amo, amore mio.”  [“I love you, my love.”]

“ED—DIE?  PLEASE DON’T—DON’T LET GO!  OK?”

“NEVER AMORE MIO!  I’LL NEVER LET GO OF YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE MY HEART, YOU’RE MY SOUL, YOU’RE MY EVERY—THING!”

As he continues holding on to his husband, he comforts him as they cry about the fact that Buck died last year.  He tries to compose himself several times but the weight and the magnitude of seeing Buck hanging from the aerial is a picture he can’t get out of his mind.  He reminds himself that they both can’t lose it because one of them needs to be coherent just in case Buck becomes unresponsive again like he did while they were at the hospital yesterday.

Even through their brokenness, he keeps talking to his husband.

“You’re alive my love.”

“You’re in the present with me and it’s January 3, 2024.”

“It’s been almost ten months since that night but you’re here with me and I’ll never let you go.”

“We’re going to die on the same day at the same time in 50 or 60 years from now.”

Buck’s cries are getting louder as he continues to feel every ounce of grief he’s been avoiding since last year.  And when his Holter monitor starts beeping, Eddie knows that sound means one of two things, either Buck’s heart is beating too fast or too slow.  Neither option is good because they’re both detrimental and they can both lead to Buck’s death if they aren’t resolved quickly.  If it’s beating too slowly again, he’s experiencing another bradycardia event and if it drops below 30 bpm, his heart could stop beating and that will lead to him dying.  If his heart is beating too fast, then he’s experiencing a tachycardia event which means he could have a heart attack if it’s not lowered to a level of 100 bpm.

In a soft and calm but stern voice, he calls, “Evan, my love! Can you hear me?”

He’s still crying but he nods his head while it’s lying on top of Eddie’s shoulder.

With the alarm still blaring, he says, “Amore mio, I need you to you to listen to me.  We have to get you calm so your heart rate will stabilize.”

Buck’s trying, he really is but he still feels that tug at the back of his head trying to take him under but he’s fighting to stay alert so he can remain responsive and conscious.

“Shh... my love.  I need you to listen to me and I also need you to breathe with me too.  Can you still hear me?”

He opens his mouth and he tries to speak but it takes several seconds for him to inhale enough air into his lungs so can respond.

Eddie doesn’t let go he just keeps holding onto him with their chests pressed together.

Is Buck going to suffer another bradycardia event? 👀

Or could he suffer from tachycardia this time? 🤷🏽‍♀️

___________

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

__________

Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.

Chapter 17 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to departing Los Angeles for their international adventure, a moment in time will remind them; life is fragile, tomorrow isn’t promised and every second of everyday should be cherished because everything can change in an instant. The result of that realization will cause them to hold onto each other even more.

Chapter 18 - As Buck, Eddie and Chris prepare for family gatherings before and during the Thanksgiving holiday, the “Santa Ana Winds” start to blow and all sorts of expected and unexpected familial drama ensues.

Chapter 19 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to their wedding day, the universe begins to align everything so that some of their parent and children's relationships are strengthened while others come to an abrupt end.

Chapter 20 - With only 14 days remaining until Buck, Eddie and Chris depart Los Angeles, CA traveling to Rome, Italy, for their first family adventure, an early morning conversation about “tying up loose ends” helps Buck and Eddie realize there are still several things left unfinished on their ‘To Do’ lists. The question is will there be enough time to complete all of them?

Chapter 21 - Buck, Eddie and Chris are finalizing their ‘To Do’ Lists, double checking their itineraries and packing their suitcases in preparation for their trip to Europe so they can board their flight that departs Los Angeles, CA on Friday, December 15, 2023 at 3:25PM.

Chapter 22 - While Buck, Eddie and Chris spend the first 8 days of their European family adventure in Italy, their primary reason for going will be fulfilled as well as several others they hadn’t considered or anticipated.

Chapter 23 - As the Diaz Family continues their Italian family adventure, they’ll say, “Ciao” or hello and goodbye to a lot of things almost immediately after they become an official and legal family.

Chapter 24 - After Buck, Eddie and Chris arrive in London, England on December 24th; the Diazes immediately start preparing to spend their first family Christmas together. During their stay, each of them will hear a few choice words that will be the life raft to get them home to complete their searches to be seen and to be found.

Chapter 25 - After spending more than two weeks in Europe, Eddie, Buck and Chris are back in Los Angeles and they’re getting ready to attend Maddie and Chimney’s New Year’s Eve party. During the event, they have plans to make two surprise announcements but the question is, who’s really going to be surprised, the Diaz family or their found family at the 118?

Chapter 26 - Buck and Eddie are once again faced with their greatest fear of losing each other but this time it could be permanent and if it is, then they won’t be able to spend the rest of their lives together.

Chapter 27 - Will be posted soon.

__________

Read chapters 1-26 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

Chapter 27 will be posted soon.

[a-strange-familiar]

please give us part 2 with happy ending 😫😫😭😭😭😭

Better man -2

A/n : I know you guys hate me, but guess what. Jokes on you cause I hate myself too. I'm sorry I took forever to write this. I know, I'm sorry. As I said my life is shitty rn so I stuck to just reading for a while and I didn't want to write with a wrong state of mind. But I'm back, here is your promised part 2 of Better man.

Warnings : Angst, alcohol mention, lil swearing.

Summary : Harry is a typical asshole rockstar and Y/n is naive and in love with him.

(I'm sorry again for the late. I love you all. Thank you sticking with me.) Part - 1. ( read part 1 before )

-- 6 months later --

This love is a fucking shit show. You fall in love with someone and literally fall, you'll fall and crash, and break your bones but nothing hurts. No matter how toxic the other person is or how shitty they treat you, you will be in that high and can't even feel any of those things. But when you come out of that high, when you start to see the real colours of that person then you will realise the pain. The aftermath is horrible.

After that night when Y/n ended things with Harry she felt numb for few days. She didn't feel anything for a while, she cried that night but later nothing for few days.

But after a week it hit her like a train. Everything, all the things they did, all the memories they had, everything made her cry. She cried and cried and cried until she felt there are no tears left in her anymore.

She was broken, she still didn't understand why she was not enough for him. She still didn't understand why is it that hard for him to love her back. But everything is over so she tried to get over him, she did everything to stop thinking about him.

She gave him her world and he shattered that world into pieces. Obviously it's hard to get over it. She took time but she did it. She changed.

She is over him now.

It's been months, few hard months but she is strong, stronger than ever before. Yes, there were days when she drove around the city and parked her car at some random parking lot and cried there alone in one of his old t-shirts he left at hers because every place reminded him, her house, her balcony, her bedroom, her favorite coffee shop.

But as the time goes by she started to understand that she deserves better than him and she just can't sit and cry for someone who don't even give a single fuck about her.

Eva, her best friend was her biggest support in this process. She made sure Y/n is doing well, she is like sister to Y/n that she never had. Eva used drop by at midnights to check on Y/n. Y/n will be forever thankful for her. She was soo lucky to have her in her life. And Eva never said anything like 'told you so'. Y/n know that she was upset but she understood and Y/n was glad that she did.

And even Sarah understood everything, she made sure Y/n was ok. She couldn't take sides because Harry is also her friend and her boss. But she understood where they both were coming from. She couldn't do more than just consoling them. And Y/n understood.

Now she is healed. She became a better version of her self. She stopped depending on others for her happiness. She started loving herself, which a very big change. She stopped checking about him on social medias or asking about him, trying to know about him.

But it's not completely possible to forget him like that, she still remembered him time to time. After all she loved him with her entire soul. But she made sure that it doesn't break her anymore. But a small part of her heart still beats for him.

*☆•°..*☆•°..*

While Y/n is healing and getting better Harry is breaking and getting worse.

He left her house that night after staring at her closed bedroom door for a while. He never understood why he didnt say anything. He just left.

For a while he didn't understand why it's hurting him.

He didn't love her or anything, so why is does it feel like some thing or someone is breaking inside ?

He spent many nights thinking about her. About what she might be doing at that particular moment, is she still crying? Or did she finally realised that he is an asshole and forgot him.

He knew he hurt her, but he can't help it. He didn't do that on purpose. He could never do it on purpose. Yes he was a dick to her. But he was afraid, afraid that he might hurt her and himself. His life is a shit show, everyone he meet will be in public's eye. People will make their life hell. He didn't want that to happen to Y/n.

That's one of the reasons. But the main reason was, he was afraid of love. He was afraid of commitment. His past relationships taught him a lot and he was afraid. And Y/n is an angel, she don't deserve him so he kept telling himself that it's not worth it. That he will make their both lives hell. So he just kept doing what they were doing.

You know that feeling? when you find a person who is a walking green flag. But you become a walking red flag because of your past relationships. That's what happened to Harry. They turned him into an asshole, so he stopped thinking about others and became selfish.

But nothing gives an explanation to why he hurt Y/n. He knew that too. He can't give a perfect reason why he hurt her, broke her. He could have left her the moment she told him her feelings but he didn't, he just pretended that nothing happened. A part of him didn't want to leave her.

There were days when he used to sit and wonder why he was such an ass to her.

"Am I that hard to love, Harry ?"

Her words used ring in his eras, he still remembered her eyes when she asked him that. The pain in them, the hurt. He literally used to beat himself whenever he remembered that expression. Thinking why couldn't he answer her at that moment?

He used to drink until he blacked out. He used to drink and sit and cry like a baby in his room. He felt like his heart was breaking into small pieces and he could feel every piece breaking.

He used to cry thinking about her. Tears running down his face, he couldn't figure out why ? He used lock himself in his room and sob thinking about her. Her memories used to kill him. He used to behave like a zombie and it scared everyone. He started to zone out at work, he started skip his studio sessions and spent his time alone thinking about her.

And he finally understood that he love her. He always did, but refused to belive it.

The moment he saw her sitting alone in that party while everyone are drinking and having fun he knew that she is different. As cliché as it sounds he just felt it.

And in the process of getting to know her he like her, a lot. But he never said that to her, they were going casual and he wanted to keep it that way. He tried to be as distant ad possible, he ignored her on purpose. He know if he didn't he will fuck up and fall in love with her. But he did anyways. But now it's too late, he can't do anything other than sit and cry.

He tried to get into contact with her but she blocked him everywhere which he expected and deserved. He used to ask Sarah about her but she said nothing which he also understood.

He was at his worst, he still is after months. He still didn't forget her. He know he can't, she everywhere. He started to see her in every person, no girl is as perfect as her. No one can be a comparison. He wished that he said that to her. Said how much she means to him, how much he love her, how much he adore her. But didn't and now he can't. He don't even know whether she will for give him or not.

*☆•°..*☆•°..*

It's been months since he actually had fun. He stopped hanging out with his friends and going out a lot. He stopped hooking up with girls, he pretty much stopped everything. And his friend are worried about him because he is not himself so they forced him to go out today.

So here he is, sitting in the bar and pretending to listen to the conversation happening around and sipping on his drink. He could have done this at his house too.

Thats when he saw Eva. He know Eva, he met her a couple of times. She is Y/n's best friend and he also know that she is not a very big fan of him.

She is taking with a blonde guy at the other side of the bar, he swiftly checked if Y/n was here too. But for his disappointment she is not. Eva is alone with that guy.

He contemplated on going to her and talking. It's been months and he don't know how Y/n is doing, and he wanted to knoe very badly. But most probably Eva will not talk to him.

He saw that blonde guy wishpered something and leave. Harry thought it's the right time, if he hesitate now he may never get a chance to know about Y/n. So he excused himself from his friends and his way towards Eva.

"Eva." He called her with a hesitant voice.

She turned and looked at him. She had this unpleasant look on her face which is Harry is not used to, but he know that he deserves it.

"Umm... hi. How are you ? "

She rolled her eyes. "What do you want, Harry? " her tone is uninterested.

"I - I just wanted to say hi." He scratched back of his neck, he is uncomfortable.

"I'm not interested in small talk with you. So if you don't mind." She started to leave.

"Wait" he said in a hurry.

"I just wanted to talk for a minute."

"What do you wanna talk about Harry ? About Y/n ?" She asked in a mocking way.

"Umm. Ye - yes. I just want to know how is she doing ?"

She scoffed "Are you for real?"

He sighed "Look , Eva I'm sorry for everything. I never wanted this to happen this way. I know I'm a dick. I don't deserve her"

"Yes, you really don't." She interrupted him

"I know. But I don't.. I can't get her out of my mind. I just - I just I feel like ... it's killing me. "

She was silent for a moment.

"Look I just wanted know about her, how is she ?"

"Oh she is very happy ,Harry thank you for your concern." She said sarcastically.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what ? For hurting and breaking her heart while you were enjoying with other girls?"

He closed his eyes. Everything hurts, listening to her say those things out hurts even more.

"I know." His voice is shaky. He is on the verge of crying. But he can't.

"Harry, I don't know why you didn't love her, I don't even wanna know. But atleast you could have left before everything went to south. She don't deserve this. You have no idea how much of dick you are." Her anger towards him, and her concern and love towards Y/n is clearly visible in her eyes and voice. And he is kinda happy that Y/n have a friend like Eva.

"I know I ruined her. Bu-"

She cut him with a laugh. A real laugh like he said something funny.

"Ruined her ?" She scoffed.

"You might hurt her or break her heart but you can never ruin or destroy her. She is stronger than you think. Maybe she is an idiot to love someone like you but not weak. No one can ruin her , not even you."

He know that. He know she is strong. He know that his Y/n is stronger than anyone else.

It's silent between them for a minute.

"I need to go." She said and started walking away but stopped after taking a step.

"She doing fine without you. So please don't bother her anymore. " With that she walked away leaving him alone.

*☆•°..*☆•°..*

It's been two weeks since he talked to Eva. She said Y/n is fine. He is happy to hear that, that's all he want. But he is not sure about trying to not to reach her. He actually tried to many times in all these months but never dared to directly meet her. He also went to her house many times but came back without knocking on the door. He was afraid.

Right now he is sitting in Y/n's favorite cafe. It's one of Y/n's most favorite places. They came here together once. It's a beautiful place, it's really cozy. It's have a welcoming atmosphere and ambience. The rich aroma of coffee hitting his nose and the small chattering of people making him feel better.

He sat at the very end of the cafe. With his coffee infront of him. He came here hoping that he would see her. It's not the first time, he came here many times before to see her but never did. He thought maybe she stopped coming here or he didn't catch her at right time.

He was in his thoughts when he heard the chime of the bell on the front door. He looked up as an instinct, then he saw her.

He saw Y/n coming inside of the cafe. She is beautiful as always. But definitely different, something is missing, at the same time it feels like she has something new in her.

She is wearing a high waist jeans and a red halter top. Her hair got a bit longer than the last time he saw her and she is smiling.

Oh god he missed her smile.

Seeing her here feels a bit surreal to him. He missed her like hell. He missed her smile, her voice, her touch, everything. He just want to run to her and hug her right now but he know that he can't.

He was so caught up on admiring her that he missed to see that there is a guy walking behind her. She was smiling at him, laughing at something he said.

His chest tightened, he breath hitched.

She was with someone, someone that is making her smile and laugh. Someone who is making her happy.

She looked happy.

That guy was handsome brunette and maybe a couple of inches taller than Harry. He have a sharp jawline and a charming smile. Just in a word he looked soo good. And Harry hated that.

They both sat at the far and of the cafe from Harry but he can see them clearly, he can see her smile the way she is looking at him and the way she is soo concentrated on whatever the hell he is saying.

That's the moment he understood that he lost her. He had her for soo long but he kept pushing her and now he lost her.

It felt like his world is completely crumbling right under his feet and there is nothing he can do.

She is happy, he can tell that much. And that's what he want. He made her sad and hurt her a lot and now he wish nothing but happiness to her even if it's leaving her and stepping aside and letting her go.

This is it.

With a sad smile on his face and tears rolling down his cheeks he got up from his seat and went out of the cafe without a single glance back at her.

.

Meanwhile Y/n didn't know that Harry was in the cafe watching her and left heartbroken. She was busy listening the story the guy in front of her was telling. Noah is telling her about his parents last year's wedding anniversary.

Noah, he is her colleague. He is a very nice guy, handsome and charming. He is a literall dream guy for every girl. The coffee machine in their work place is not working so they just took a break to get some coffee.

He was looking at her with that charming smile and sparkle in his eyes, and she can't help but think about what if she have someone like him in her life, who will understand her and not hurt her. But she couldn't entertain that though for a long time because the minute she think about someone Harry pops up in her brain. His emerald eyes, his beautiful smile. She is over him,yes, but it's not that easy to completely kill the love on him. It'll take time.

"The Coffee here is amazing, thank you for bringing me here, Y/n." Noah said with a sweet smile on his face.

"Your welcome, this is my favorite place. I always come here, it's just soo peaceful here." She smiled at him. She always came here, almost everyday.

He kept looking at her for a while with a smile on his face, she wonderd will he ever stop smiling. His smile is soo beautiful and pleasant it's like a beam of sunshine.

"I'm glad we could get coffee together, but I was wondering would you like to go on a date with me ? Like a real one ?" He asked her with hope in his eyes.

Y/n could feel her heart thumping, she didn't know what to say him. She wanted to go but also she is not quite ready.

"Noah, I- um... I can't. I'm sorry." She said softly.

His smile dropped, she cursed herself for that.

"I'm sorry, I like you. It's not that I don't, I do. But I can't now. "

"Oh. I thought you are single." He said after a beat.

"I am." She said in a kinda sad voice. What is she supposed to say to him? Of course she is single.

Tears are forming in her eyes threatening to fall free, but she can't cry, she won't. She got over crying for him.

It's was silent between them for a bit before Noah spoke again with a soft and gentle tone.

"Did you love him ? "

Y/n looked at his eyes, he have this expression in them that she can't quite describe. His graze was gently and comfortable. He looked at her like he know what she is feeling, he looked at her like he can understand the hurt.

She just nodded head.

He smile again." I don't know what happened or I don't know who the guy was but all I know is that he really hurt you. I can see it in your eyes."

She took a breath and tried to hold her tears, she don't even know why she is crying now. She didn't cry about him in a while, she thought there are no tears left.

"Some thing that my over priced therapy after getting my heart break taught me was 'if you spend too long holding on to the one who treats you like an option, you will miss finding the one who treats you like a priority. '"

"You are an amazing person, Y/n. Just know that you are worth everything. You should be loved for who you are. Trust me when I say I that I know what you are feeling now. "

After a while they went back to work and Noah never bought up about the date again.

She couldn't help think about Harry for the rest of the day. She restrained herself from thinking about him for soo long, she almost became numb.

She hate him because she still loves him. It's soo hard not to.

He was the one who thaught her how loves feels like, even without himself realising it. He showed how beautiful it is to be loved only but he didn't.

Yes , he ignored her, pushed her but when he is with her he was there, really there for her.

He made her feel like at the top of the world. Not only while having sex, but also when they were alone. He made her feel like the most beautiful girl in the universe while he is with her only to make her feel insecure while he is with others.

That's why she hate him, he made her feel every possible feeling that a human can expirence.

And that's the reason she can't completely let him go. Maybe she is still waiting for the impossible to happen. To feel his love again, real love this time.

*☆•°..*☆•°..*

It's been two days since Harry saw Y/n in the coffee shop, and he was miserable again.

It's killing him that he lost her. To see her with someone else.

And he exactly understood how Y/n felt when she saw him with others. How hurt and hopeless she felt . At that time he didn't get it , but now he is feeling the same.

He want nothing more than going back into the time and fix everything and tell her how much he love her. But he can't.

He was in his room when he heard the door opening and closing. And after a minute his bedroom door opened and reveled his mother.

Anne came into the room and looked at his son sitting on his bed like a lifeless body. It broke her heart to see her son in that situation tears blured her vision.

"Harry." She called him.

He looked at her and he couldn't hold it back anymore. He just got up from the bed and rushed towards his mother and hugged her.

She hugged him back and ran her hand through his back in a soothing way. No matter how big and famous his become, he will always be her little boy.

"Aww, love. I'm here, I'm here. You are fine." She rubbed circle on his back.

They both were like that for a while. After he calmed down Anne made him sit on the bed and brought him some water.

She sat beside him with a hand on his.

"What happened, honey ? I knew something was wrong, I could sense it for a while. But I never thought it's this bad. Please tell me what it is ?"

He looked at his mother with his blood shot eyes. His eyes, head everything hurts.

"I fucked up, Mum."

He told Anne everything, from the beginning. How he met her, how he hurt her, and how much he love her. Everything, he didn't miss a single detail.

Anne was silent for few minutes, deciding what to tell her son. She know that he is the one who did wrong here, he messed up and hurt an innocent person.

"People don't know what they have until it's gone, but what about me , mum. I knew what I had, but I did nothing about it. I took her love for granted. What am I supposed to do now ?" He asked his mother hoping atleast she can give him a suggestion.

"Have you atleast tried to talk to her ?"

"No." He shook his head. "I'm afraid, afraid that if I go meet her she will not accept my apology and that will be the last time that I will see her."

"I think it's time that you go and talk to her." She said looking at him in the eyes.

"What?" Harry is confused.

"I think you should go and talk to her. Let her know that you feel guilty and Let her know how you really feel."

She squeezed his hand.

"You messed up, Harry. I love you, you are my son but what you did is absolutely wrong. I didn't raise you like this. If you really love her go to her tell her that you are sorry. Let her curse you, be angry at you but you deserve it, you know you deserve it."

"But what if she don't want to listen to me ?" He asked with a hint of fear in his voice.

"Beg her until she does." She said simply.

"And if she don't forgive me ?" He asked again.

"Mmm. There is a possibility for that. But atleast you will not regret later that you didn't even tried . But I hope that's not the case."

Harry looked down at his feet. His mom is right, he atleast should apologise, he has been a coward and didn't dare to meet her, but now he will.

"And Harry, I don't want to higher your expectations but if she really love you she might even give you a second chance. If she does, make sure that she won't regret trusting you again, be a better man to her."

Anne gave him a motherly smile and pushed back his curls falling on his forehead.

"Go, be a man she deserves."

*☆•°..*☆•°..*

After talking to his mother Harry immediately got into his car and drove to Y/n's place. His nerves were all over the place thinking about all the possible things that can happen.

After a long drive which felt like forever for him he is finally at her place.

He practically sprinted on the steps because he couldn't wait for the elevator and finally he reached her front door.

He took a long breath and knocked on the door and waited but there is no response. He knocked again but there is no movement.

He caught the door Knob and twisted it, the door opened. His silly girl always forgets to lock the doors.

He went inside the house and checked for her.

"Y/n ?" He called but there is no response, he went and checked her bedroom but there is no hint of her.

He returned to the living room, thinking where she might have gone.

He looked around the place again. He found her phone on the coffee table.

She left her phone back, she never leave her phone while she is going out so she might be near. And then it clicked him, he know where she is now.

He closed the door and made his way to the terrace. If she is not in home at this time she definitely will be on terrace. He know how much she like to spend time there.

He got there and looked around to find her. And then he saw her, he could see side of her face. Standing at the corner looking at the moon. Air blowing her hair in an angelic way, moon light and lights from distance made her face glow.

God she is soo beautiful.

He took few steps towards her.

"Y/n." He called her softly.

Her shoulders tensed, but she didn't turn towards him immediately. He can see her taking deep breath from the side angle.

"Love ?" He called again. Now she turned fully towards him.

He took a sharp breath and took in her appearance, she is as beautiful as ever.

"Hi, love." He said hesitantly.

"Hi." She replied without much of and emotion in her voice.

He again took a deep breath and walked two more steps towards her. Luckily she didn't step back.

"I'm getting straight into the point, I already wasted soo much of time and i dont want to any more." He said looking at, and she didn't show any sign of disagreement.

"I'm sorry , love. I really am. I'm an arsehole, a dick, a douche bag. I fucked up, big time. I hurt you. I was soo bad to you. I know , I'm sorry. I regret each and every time I hurt you and I would do anything to make it right. I have been a pussy to come and talk to you all this time. I was afraid so it took me this long." He was rambling at this point. A single tear escaped from his eye.

He took one more step forward ao there is only a little bit of distance between them and fell on his knees in front of her. He bent his head down and wiped his tears and again looked at her. She was also crying, tears are escaping her her eyes too.

"I'm sorry. Im sorry. I'm sorry." He chanted and he let out a soft sob.

"I don't deserve your forgiveness and I don't deserve your love. But god knows what I will do to get both of them again." He breathed out.

"It hurts to loose you. I don't want to loose you." He mumbled mostly to himself.

"You had me, Harry. And I was not enough for you." She talked for the first time.

It felt soo good to hear her voice again after soo long. And he loved the way his name sounded with her voice. He missed it.

"I know , baby. I know. I'm an idiot. And please, you were always enough for me, more than enough but I just couldn't gey my head out of my ass." He said.

"I don't if you are ever going to forgive me or of you are ever going to look at me the same like before. But I want to tell you, I don't want be a coward."

Cool air made them both shiver a bit.

"I love you, Y/n."

" You are my everything, I love you with every fiber in my body. You were always enough for me. I love you for yourself, you are no comparison with all those fake models I get along with. They can never be you. And you are always the most beautiful and amazing and loving person. You deserve the world. Sorry that I couldn't give it to you back then. But I will give you anything to you now if you let me." He completed.

She sucked in a breath, he said the three words that she thought that she will never hear from him.

"I shouldn't be telling you this now, you may have moved on, forgot about me and maybe.... and maybe you are with someone else too." Those words came out like poison from his mouth.

"Do you still love me, Y/n ?" He dared to ask , he actually don't want to know the answer but a part of him still hopes that she love him.

She wiped her tears and cleared her throat.

"Get up, Harry." She said with a straight face.

He got up and stood on his feet again. Because of his height he was towering a little bit over her.

"Do you really think I love someone else ?" She questioned him.

"I saw you with a guy two days back in your favorite cafe. You looked happy." He told her and looked down at their feet.

"You were there ?" She furrowed her brows.

He nodded

" He was just my friend." She said and he was relieved a bit with that information.

"You really hurt me, Harry. I hate you for that, but I also love you because... because you were the world to me. But you didn't even gave a fuck about me."

He shook his head. Please, "I'm sorry. Don't say that. It hurts." He pleaded.

"I don't know what to do. I'm afraid Harry. I'm tired. Afraid of getting hurt again and tired of feeling hurt. I don't know."

"Baby." He took her soft hand into his.

"I'm sorry. I love you. I should have said this earlier but I didn't. As I said I will do anything to get you back."

They both were silent thinking about everything.

"Can I tell you something?" He asked her.

She nodded her head.

"I can't rewind our life and go back and fix things but I want to start over everything. Let's start everything again, from the beginning. And this time I'll be a better man for you."

She looked at him on awe.

"Can we start over ? We'll become strangers again, we'll introduce each other again, we'll make fresh memories. Only if you want to. I'll leave of you want me to. But remember one thing even if I leave now I will always love you, forever and I'll be waiting for you."

She is speechless, she don't know what to say. She was supposed to be angry at him but the moment she saw him all the anger just flew away. And the minute he fell on his knees and said her that he love her , she completely lost it. Of course she still love him, of course she still want to give him a second chance, but she is afraid.

"I promise that I'll never break your heart again."

He threaded their fingers together and looked at their hands.

"Tell me, love. Will you let me be a better man for you?" He asked all the sincerity hoping she will say yes.

He is worth of a second chance. She thought.

"Yes." She breathed out and smiled.

His smiled reached his eyes for the first time in a long while.

He hugged her. Really tight to the point where she thought she might loose her breath.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." He said and kissed her forehead.

She smiled." But let's take it slow, I still need some time."

"Yes take all the time you want, we'll go as slow you prefer. Im fine with it as long as I know that I have you. Just know that I love you, and will never hurt you again. And one more thing, please get used to me saying I love you a lot. Because I'm not stopping anymore."

He took a step back. "Let's start again."

He stretched his hand out for her. Let me introduce myself. "Hi, my name is Harry."

She laughed at him, thinking about the first time they met.

"Hi, Harry. My name is Y/n."

~~~

A/n : well, well, well. Here it is as I promised. Please don't shit at me for the late. I'm not making excuses, but u know why. I'm genuinely sorry.

And , while writing this I reread the 1st part. And I found a shit ton of mistakes and typos, I myself cringed at my work. I'm sorry u guys had to read that shit. But I have my reason. 1. I wrote that whole thing on my phone and I have big thumbs. 2. I blame my autocorrect. I'm sorry, and I hope there are no lot of mistakes here..

~~~

Thank you for reading, hope you likes it.

Please like and comment and reblog.

And please please please share your thoughts and talk to me. Pretty please 🥺

[anotherhumaninthisworld]

Can you please tell me some wholesome facts about the revolutionaries? 😊

In his notes on Robespierre (written somewhere right after thermidor) Fréron claims that, at least while at college, ”one cannot remember to have seen him laugh once.” But then later he writes that ”the witty naiveties of Camille Desmoulins made Robespierre laugh until he cried.”

On January 23 1793, Lucile Desmoulins writes in her diary about witnessing the funeral procession of Louis-Michel le Peletier, a deputy murdered on the 20th after having voted for death during the king’s trial. She was very touched by what she saw and couldn’t stop her tears for a while. After all her guests have left that evening she can’t stand to be alone with her thoughts, so ”I ran to D(anton’s). He was moved to see me still pale and defeated. We drank tea, I supped there.”

In his memoirs, Barras reports the following about Augustin Robespierre:

[Napoleon] informed me that a woman of the lower classes, who had been assisted by Robespierre the Younger, had been arraigned before the Revolutionary Tribunal and sentenced to death during his absence from Paris, and that on his return he had expressed disapproval of the sentence, sent for the twelve-year-old son of that woman, clothed him, and admitted him to his table; the boy feeling sad, Ricord commanded him to drink to the health of the Republic, but the lad refused; thereupon Robespierre the Younger, addressing Ricord, said to him: ”Respect such a character. You would not do as much under similar circumstances." 

On October 20 Couthon wrote a very clingy letter to Saint-Just while away on a mission to Lyon — ”You haven't written me a line, my friend, since we parted; I blame you for it, because you promised me that in any case of absence, you would give me your news. […] You know, my dear friend, that I need, to console myself for the evils that overwhelm me, testimonies of interest from those I esteem; tell me then that you exist, that you are well, that you have not forgotten me, and I will be happy.”

Le Bas also wrote quite warmly about SJ in a letter to his wife dated November 28 1793:

We went this morning, Saint-Just and I, to visit one of the highest mountains at the top of which is an old fort in ruins, placed on an immense rock. We both felt, looking around, a delicious feeling. This is the first day that we have had a break. […] Saint-Just is almost as eager as I to see Paris again. I promised him dinner from your hand. I’m glad you don’t hold it against him; he is an excellent man; I love and esteem him more and more by every passing day. The Republic has no more ardent, more intelligent defender. The most perfect agreement, the most constant harmony reigned among us. What makes him even dearer to me is that he often talks to me about you and consoles me as much as he can. He sets a high value, it seems to me, on our friendship, and he says things to me from time to time with a very good heart.

Élisabeth Le Bas confirms her husband’s feelings for Saint-Just in her memoirs, when describing the relationship between the three while on a mission together:

Saint-Just had the most delicate attentions for me en route and the considerations of a tender brother. At each relay station, he descended from the coach to see if anything was missing, for fear of an accident. He saw me suffering so much that he feared for me. He was, at last, so good and so attentive to my sister-in-law and me that the trip did not seem long to us. My beloved was very sensitive to all his kindnesses and gave him all his recognition. To pass the time, these messieurs would read us Molière plays or some passages from Rabelais, and sang Italian airs; they made every effort to distract us and make me forget my suffering.

When Camille on December 11 1790 was finally given permission by Lucile’s parents to marry their daughter, he described his reaction the following way: ”When her mother told me a moment ago, she brought me to her room; I threw myself on Lucile’s lap; surprised at hearing her laugh I open my eyes, hers were in no better state than mine, she was all in tears, she was even crying profusely and yet she was still laughing. I have never seen such a delightful spectacle, and I would not have imagined that nature and sensibility could unite these two contrasts to such an extent.”

In February 1793 Camille and Lucile went on a short trip to Essonne, where they lived alone in an old castle and amused themselves with going for walks, riding donkeys, fishing and boating. In a letter to her mother Lucile reports: ”You would laugh if you saw C(amille) as a boatman, rowing as hard as he can and at any moment flanking the boat against the first point of land that it meets. What a pity that it isn’t summer! […] Write to me as soon as possible to let is know the day you have chosen for us to pick you up at Essonne in a cabriolet and me on my donkey.”

On August 9 1793, Madame Roland was joined in prison by Pétion’s wife Anne Madeleine Françoise and ten year old son Louis Étienne Jérôme. Judging by what she wrote in her memoirs and letters (1, 2, 3), it would appear like she took them both under her wing:

I suffered for my poor companion beyond words. It was I who undertook the sad task of preparing her for the blow she hardly expected, and of announcing it to her (Most likely a reference to the death of Anne’s mother, executed in Paris on September 24 1793). I was sure to bring to it the alleviations that another would perhaps have found with difficulty, because it is only my position that could make me share her pain so well. This circumstance caused her to be sent to me; we eat together, and she likes to spend most of the days near me; I work much less, but I am useful, and this feeling makes me taste a kind of charm that the tyrants do not know. […] I receive Lady B's letters with gratitude. I do not know them, I intend to make them useful for two people, I will have little P(étion) read them; I had only Thompson which he could not yet understand.

Éléonore Duplay also appears to have been a huge support to her little sister Élisabeth and two month old nephew Philippe while the three sat in prison together after thermidor. In her memoirs, Élisabeth writes — ”Oh! I will not in a lifetime forget you! For without you I would have succumbed; but, with your courage, you revived my strength and made me see that I had a great task to fulfill, that I had a son, that I needed to live for him. […] No, good dear sister Éléonore, I will not forget your devotion to me and your poor little nephew in a lifetime; my recognition will be eternal!”

Lucile Desmoulins and Hébert’s wife Marie Marguerite Françoise they too seem to have been rather inseparable both while in prison together and on their way to the scaffold.

After the death of Phillippeaux and Desmoulins, the former’s wife Marguerite became friends with the latter’s mother-in-law Annette. The two processed their grief together and also let their children, Auguste Phillippeaux (1787) and Horace Desmoulins (1792) get to know and play with each other. Five letters from Marguerite to Annette have been published, and they really are quite wholesome.

Other posts I’ve already made that contain wholesome stuff:

Cute animals compilation

Horace Desmoulins

Robespierre with children

[morning-sun-brah]

Hello! Sha sent me a link to Flight of the Dove over discord, and recommended Spare Change as well, and I’ve been GUSHING to her about how much I loved them and then because I’m weird instead of reading The Pigeons Perch like I meant to I saw you had an adult Mikey x OC fic and got excited so I read Silk next cause I NEVER see adult Mikey fics unless he’s dying in the apocalypse (and you’re so right btw about how he’s always infantilized and as a youngest sibling I GET IT which is so frustrating) and I FUCKING LOVE IT oh my god. It had me desperately trying to keep a straight face at work and then when I finished it at the end of my shift, giggling in my car, I saw you wrote that the second part would be out soon but then I saw the last date updated was in MAY and I about cried BUT!!! I consoled myself cause I know you’ve been writing your blessed cowboy au which I love oh so dearly and anyway this is me rambling to say thank you for your works so much I ADORE them and are you still planning to finish Silk after you wrap up the other projects that are taking up your brain space first? Cause I love all your works equally so any update makes me happy but Silk has a special place in my heart because ADULT MIKEY!! that ISNT dying in the apocalypse!!! and I LOVE HASSAN!!!!

FIRST OF ALL!!

Hello! 🥰

Thank you so much for saying such nice things to me???? Omg???? I never know how to accept compliments but please know I've thought about this all day and do a little dance about it.

Second! SILK! MIKEY! HASSAN!! I love them both so very much and they take up so much room in my heart and my head that it's surprising other things can squeeze their way in there (there's not a lot of room). Sha told me she yelled about them which tracks because she is their biggest cheerleader lol. If anyone loves them as much as I do it's her. And honestly, it makes sense because seeing her GF Mikey really inspired Silk.

Fun fact! I've been on a bit of a hiatus with ALL my work, because my brain fizzled out, BUT- the thing I've been working on with any sense of efficiency is SILK! I'm just over here plugging away, and it will probably be the thing I update next!

I hate that it's been a while since I've updated anything- but I'm feeling more motivated lately so fingers crossed!

Again, thank you so much. I'm so glad you've enjoyed my silly little fic's and getting asks like this is always so flattering. 🥰😘😘😘😘

[silvermistcosmos]

▬▬ Before You Go ╼ Jung Hoseok 

PAIRING. Hoseok x reader 

GENRE. angst, fluff if you squint // oneshot

WC. 1,000+ 

WARNINGS. talk about Hoseok leaving to the army 

SYNOPSIS. Tomorrow Hoseok was leaving to the army and you were struggling to keep yourself together, but as always, your boyfriend was there to comfort you even though he was having a hard time too. 

AN. the first paragraph was written by @hwasdollie​ because I had no idea what on earth to write to start this off. thank you so much for helping me! <3

You didn’t know why it was so silent, well you did, but you didn’t. There were so many things you wanted to say, that both of you wanted to say, but silence emitted through the room instead. 

If you just didn’t look at him, you wouldn’t cry...You wouldn’t cry. You kept telling yourself that, but the lump in your throat was growing larger and you couldn’t swallow it away. 

Hoseok was the first to break the silence, “Are you okay?” His shaky voice rung in your ears and you finally built the courage to slowly lift your head and look at his own watering eyes. 

“Yeah” You tried to control the steadiness of your voice, but your voice was not the only thing that cracked. Your wall that you were keeping so firm the entire week finally broke and you threw your hand to your mouth to prevent any noise from escaping it as tears rolled salty trails down your cheeks. 

You took a loud unstable breath, staring up at the ceiling, “I was supposed to not cry this week. You ruined it.” You tried to laugh, but it came out more like little croaks instead and your smile slowly faltered, your lips trembling as you spoke.

Hoseok pulled your head into his chest to comfort you, but also to hide his own welling tears. You took deep, suffocating breaths to control your breathing so you could hold a little bit of dignity before he left. But his consoling hand stroked your hair and any bit of dignity you had left shattered and soon your cries echoed in the room.

He let your tears and snot soak through the fabric of his old black T-shirt. It hurt him to see you suffering because of him. He didn’t know if he was making the right decision to let you wait on him for an entire two years until he was finished with his civic duty. He couldn’t bear the thought of you crying like this while he was away, unable to lend you a shoulder or tissues. He wouldn’t be able to wipe away your warm tears with his thumb and tell you how much he loved you as he kissed your cheek. He wouldn’t be able to calm you down by rubbing little shapes on your back or hold your hand when you’re having a really hard time. But seeing you with someone else when he came back would tear him apart.

“If you…” He started, his hand stopping motion in the middle of your hair, “can’t wait…and need to-“

“Stop.” Your hoarse voice spoke as you pulled yourself from his chest, “Don’t even finish that. I’m waiting for you.” You voice managed to stay firm although you had just been crying.

Hoseok took in a deep breath with his nose, unable to keep his face from faltering. His nose scrunched up, his eyes hardly visible as a couple tears made it’s way down his face and onto his lips, leaving a salty taste on his tongue. He held his nose bridge as he heaved a few breaths, “I’ll come back soon. I promise.” He whispered.

“You better.” You let out an off sounding laugh and you sniffled, wiping your tears aggressively with the back of your hand, “Or I’ll bring you back to life and kill you myself.”

He chuckled, “God, you look so awful.” He joked as he looked at your red blotched face and puffy eyes and just knew he probably looked worse than you.

“Thanks.” You weakly punched his shoulder and rolled your eyes, “You look pretty bad yourself.”

“I’ll take the pretty and ignore the bad part.” He replied before gently taking your shoulders and pulling you back into his arms. He stroked your upper back with his fingertips and sighed, “You’re going to eat well while I’m away, okay?” You nodded your head as you played with his shirt. “I’ll be sending the boys to check up on you so don’t even try to skip meals. And don’t stay up too late. It’s bad for your health.” He paused, “Oh and don’t-“

“Baby…I’ll take care of myself, don’t worry.” You propped yourself up on your hands and placed a sloppy kiss on his lips, “I should be talking to you about taking care of yourself. You always work too hard and overwork yourself. I’m scared with me not around, you’ll work yourself to death.”

“I can’t do that though…If I’m dead, I can’t come back and see you.” He smiled and you leaned back on his chest.

“Good then. You have your priorities straight.”

You pressed a kiss to the fabric over his chest and sighed, “Even though I’m going to miss you, this is a good thing you are doing. So don’t regret anything and do everything with passion like you always do.”

“Don’t make me cry again. I can’t be bullied by my army mates on the first day I see them because I have swollen eyes.” He chuckled and squeezed you tighter, “When I see you next, I’m going to be the most honored and respected army man.” 

You giggled, “Army already has the highest respect for you.” 

“You know what I mean.” He poked your nose aggressively, “I hope army will wait for me to come back. They won’t forget me, right?” 

“Never!” You jumped up, nearly hitting your head against Hoseok’s jaw, “No, there are going to be just as many, if not more army waiting for your comeback! You don’t even know how armys feel right now. They will wait, I can promise you. And on your first concert after coming back, the armys will fill the crowd and they will scream like never before with their lightsticks waving in the air! Gosh, I can’t wait.” 

He smiled at you, “I can only hope.” 

“More importantly, I will wait for you. No matter how long you take...” You pressed a kiss to his lips. 

“And I will come back to you. Again and again.” 

TAGLIST.  @flo-i @deafeningballoonnacho @luveuly @tyunni​ @sulkygyu @quokkasunggie  @niktwazny303​, @fly-you-dam-fools​

if you want to get tagged when I post new writing pieces, just send me an ask and I’ll add you to my taglist

[that-one-producer]

Journal Entry: 8/10/24

I don’t really know where to start. But let’s start with the fact that I, Jay Lee-Kim have messed up entirely. I killed someone to protect my husband, to protect my integrity, to protect my pride, my ego. She attacked him and all I saw was red. My wolf consumed my body faster than my human side could comprehend and i snapped, went rogue and ended her life. Before I knew it, I was in Jail, blood on my hands, on my clothes, on my face. I couldn’t wash it off, I couldn’t get rid of it. Eric went home that day trying to figure out how to get me out but I was still berserk, my eyes never changed back but I didn’t resist I didn’t retaliate, I listened to all commands of law enforcement. My wolf was in control for a while, suppressing my human side because of the guilt. I don’t regret killing her but I regret the circumstances it became to get to that point.

Upon coming home I witnessed my two lovers fighting, my heart sunk even more. Watching them point blame’s at each other making it about themselves when I was the one who was really hurting inside so I turned to the one person I knew who would always have my back… my Son Jamie. Jamie and Aera took care of me. I cried and cried til I couldn’t cry anymore, I was numb and depressed. I lost myself upon coming home, I’m a different man than what I was before going to New York. Isaac and Arlo came to console me, Eric wasn’t anywhere to be found, having ran off with Danny like he normally does. I hadn’t spoken to him since the incident, he was still angry and upset, so I sat with my tail between my legs and my pride shut down, disconnecting my emotions for a while so no one could feel the hurt and sadness I was experiencing.

Killing her was not the problem for me, the problem is the amount of pride I bestowed upon myself that I wouldn’t ever kill any living being regardless of good or evil. She was evil, vile and wicked. Her soul belonging to the underworld as she roamed the halls of Fame aimlessly. None of this would have even happened if she didn’t take credit for tracks she didn’t write, she stole discrediting the people who spent hours trying to help her get a smash hit album. And now where am I? In a psych ward, mute and still numb, trying to come to terms with the fact that she’s gone and my life had drastically changed since then. For a while I thought I was getting better. Picking up old hobbies, going to see Joon for therapy, going running and swimming but it didn’t help the guilt I still felt on my human side.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m a failure or that I’m a bad person, but the trauma has been eating me alive, reliving the same moments over and over, shaking and screaming in terror every night when I’m asleep is a deeper feeling. The imagery spreads like wildfire, unable to really piece together the series of events that lead to that point. It was just self defense, I’m not a murderer. I was provoked and it was fight or flight mode. I couldn’t let her hurt Eric even more so I did what I did, I’m not proud of it but there’s nothing I can do about it now. My mental state is crippling and scattered. I’m not heavily drugged up but I’m drugged up enough to forget the pain, to forget the sorrow. I mourn the man I once was but I know I can be better, I can be stronger for the sake of myself and my family.

I must continue to strive and get better. Things are better between Eric and I as well as Isaac and Arlo. I miss them, I miss their warmth beside me, their hugs and kisses. I want to continue to grow and move past this. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself, for feeling weak, I often question my ranking as an Alpha because why did I feel remorse? A lot of unanswered questions zoom and buzz in my brain a million miles per minute. My values and integrity have changed, the perspective on life is much more different than the Jay I was before.

The stars will align soon again, I must get rid of the grief and open up more but my heart is resisting. Possibly because I’m not ready to face the outcome of everything just yet but I don’t constantly want to live my life in fear. I’m an alpha for fucks sake. This was probably a mess and all over the place but that’s the start of my journey. I hope in the future I can write more and be better.

Until next time - Jay

[korewritingandstuff]

Violent Struggles

I don't know if this is out of character, I just know I tried to do it helplessly romantic.

At the day, the distractions are rarely enough to keep him away from the temptations that the cold space at his side is causing him; but now, covered by the darkness of the night, there's nothing to shut up the constant cries of his heart, there's nothing between him and his desires to run away to Alexander's side.

***

He feels the time as a delicate and fragile thing that escapes through his fingers, it is felt as fragments of a vivid dream which doesn’t end of capturing him; in the strange intervals of time when John hears his heart instead of his focused mind, he just can find the infinite longing to run away to any place where Alexander is, to take him with all the sweet and rough rites of love; in some way, the feeling is as painful as sweet. A silent but constant yearning, hidden in the less viewed parts of his heart, the unseen places that can just be seen by the Alexander’s playful eyes and can just be touched by his tender hands.

In a situation where John cannot forget the miles between them, the longing is felt as a sweet feeling, the longing is the smallest piece of Alexander he can get.

And despite the work is abundant, despite working is what’s right, his heart is becoming every day noisier and weeper for Alexander. Occasionally, John will feel especially weak, while he checks wrinkled and inked papers he cannot help the apparition of an unwary thought escaping from the rigid walls of his mind: that a single second with Alexander would be more valuable than all the work in his hands.

But, before taking a horse and running away to Valley Forge starts to sound logical, he will go with Ternant to complain about his painful situation, maybe; in the best of the cases, if he shares his pain, it will be less pain to suffer.

“Ternant, could you ever try to understand my sorrow?” And, despite he feels his heart as an open and bleeding wound, all exposed to the world, Ternant just looks at him with a sympathy look.

“Is this the same sorrow whose you have complained since your arrival?” Ternant asks humbly, his attention between Laurens and paperwork.

“It is, but it’s getting unimaginably worse.”

“Why do you not write to him then? Letters are the best consolation when you miss desperately a beloved one” Poor Ternant, thinks Laurens, he isn’t a man who have ever suffered the virtues of love, and the pains of it.

“The letters are a new luxury” Snorts Laurens.

“How’s that?” Ternant asks, and the kind of expression in his face looks as if a good joke was just told. 

“The duties are increasing, and I’m afraid if I let myself look at the letters every time I miss him, I wouldn’t write a word related to our responsibilities, never more.”

“And wouldn’t your Hamilton be pleased by such amount of letter being written to him?” Ternant tries to joke. 

Laurens sights, “the letters are a consolation, but every day are a feebler consolation” And Laurens doesn’t admit the truth, how despite his honor, his desires, how despite his great desire of fighting for his homeland, everything looks to be reduced to a pathetic and tiny thing when it’s compared to a moment at the side of Hamilton, how every thing that war could promise him is reduced to nothing when is compared to a moment in Hamilton’s embrace.

“It is a pity that you aren’t the one going to Valley Forge then, it must be me who communicates him your intrusive desires of flying at his side” Says Ternant, still fluttering through the room, the comment is light and poorly serious, but for Laurens, it's enough to be hopeful.

“Would you do it? Tell him how much I miss him?” Asks Laurens, and despite the paper of cupid isn't what Ternant was planning for his travel, he has seen Laurens wallowing and get muddy of sadness, he's his friend; and if the way of lighten up his pitied is sending sweet words to his boy; well, Ternant can accept the work.

"Are you asking me to be ton marieur?"

"No, maybe being an Hermes would be fairer? You just have to send a message."

“A message between lovers; please dear Laurens, have some pity of your friend and do not send him too passionate words by your poor friend" Jokes Ternant, even when the generous amount of praises about Hamilton he's heard would be classified as more than improper for any other man.

“You can communicate him some military affairs, if that makes less heavy your duty" Says Laurens kindly.

"I'm not sure if your Hamilton will care as much about military matters as about yourself."

"If you're so kind with us, you'll comment him about the black plan; but, naturally, you'll have to extend yourself about how much I miss him; since you're a good friend of us: reproach him, his remember hasn't stop to ambush me and he's too darling to ignore" Explains Laurens, smiling softly, his eyes lost in the horizon, in the little point where Valley Forge should be, the Valley Forge where Alexander miss him.

"Reproach him" Repeats Ternant, stoping a single moment just to give Laurens a blank stare. 

“Affectionaly, of course, it's a reproach for being lovely" 

“Do you think he will send you his reproaches for talking infinitely about him while the poor Ternant works so hardly?" Says with his voice full of fun.

Laurens sights, "If there's some scolding from his part, it will be about my lack of writing, give him my excuses for that" Laughs him, "I'll send him a letter with you, otherwise, his scoldings will be for you for arriving with empty hands."

Ternant sights

"But do not make him think I haven't properly work here, even when his absence is distracting all my thoughts, I haven't abstent myself of putting my efforts here.

“Even when your distraction have been evident for the poor Ternant?" Adds the poor Ternant grumbling, knowing by first hand how by every day that passes, Laurens looks fuller of sights and longing glazes.

"Send him my love" Continues Laurens as a late idea.

Ternant sighs, half laughing.

"Something else?" Laurens and Hamilton are his friends, Laurens is one of his dearest friends and if a way of rejoicing Laurens is being his carrier pigeon, Ternant won't say no.

He wouldn't ever say no, Laurens wouldn't have shared the yearning cries of his chest if there's some chance of the contrary; it's thanks to the delicate compression between them both (forged by a shared secret) that Laurens gives him the privilege of knowing about his endolori et aimé coeur.

When Laurens considers Ternant knows the necessary, he retires; initially, he plans going to sleep peacefully, remove his uniform and rest, maybe write a letter for Hamilton in the morning or read his letters again. 

However, while more he stays in that room, lonelier he feel; the room is painfully silent, almost a hostile territory without the noisy snores of Alexander; the blankets terribly cold without the warmth presence of Hamilton impractically tangled in them.

It's painful to see- It's painful to live in that quiet room, being the only shape lightened by the candle; while he lays on the bed, alone and empty, his chest is surprised by a terribly truth, that with the absence of Alexander, there's just a lot of unfilled holes around him, nothing to hold in his arms, nothing to caress with his hands, nothing to adore with his lips and nothing to appreciate with his eyes.

What's most painful of that, it's the realization that the only thing that can fill all the holes around him, it's Hamilton, his Alexander, so far from him.

He turns off the candle (Alexander would be already huddled against him, complaining about the cold and joking dumbly about the ways they should warmth the other) when all the feelings of loneliness that he accumulates through the day overwhelm him, no callous hand to hold under the table, no mischievous smile waiting for him in the bed.

At the day, the distractions are rarely enough to keep him away from the temptations that the cold space at his side is causing him; but now, covered by the darkness of the night, there's nothing to shut up the constant cries of his heart, there's nothing between him and his desires to run away to Alexander's side.

And it the middle of the night, where taking a horse and flying to the camp it's the most tempting thing in the whole earth; the only thing which stops him are his dreams trapping him.

Luckily, his dreams are the closest thing he has to flying somewhere close to Alexander's heart.

[sucker-for-emily-prentiss]

JUST READ I HATE MYSELF FOR LOVING YOU. IM IN TEARS. I HAVE TEARS IN MY FACE.

Oh my gosh I’m so sorry! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if it is any consolation I cried while writing it. Like sobbed hard every night for three nights in a row. But it was the goal of this fic and I’m glad it was reached. Thank you thank you thank you!

[mssirey]

15 Questions, 15 Mutuals

Thank you for the tag @occidentaltourist

1. Are you named after anyone? My given name was adopted from a character in a tv show, but my chosen name was not connected to anyone.

2. When was the last time you cried? Oh, hmmm… I really couldn’t say. I don’t cry all that often.

3. Do you have kids? I do not have a child of my own, but my partner’s sister has a child, and we are all really close, so I’m an uncle (unca, actually).

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? I don’t. I actually only use it in very blatant conversational contexts (like politics rants with my partner) because I struggle a lot with intonation control. My monotone delivery far better suits my dry manner.

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people? If it’s a still photo I’m looking at, their eyes. If I’m meeting them in person, it’s mannerisms, and posture, and whether they make eye contact. I couldn’t tell you what most people look like.

6. What color are your eyes? Blue. On the darker gray side of blue.

7. Scary movies or happy endings? Happy endings.

8. Any special talents? None that come to mind.

9. Where were you born? The US.

10. What are your hobbies? Writing (you may have noticed). Gaming (tabletop and pc/console).

11. Do you have any pets? I am currently fostering a friend’s cat, while she searches for cat-friendly housing.

12. What sports do you play/have you played? Oh so many… I was the kid who liked gym class (except for running the mile). Basketball, volleyball, American football, baseball, and then so many pickup games of other sports. I am very competitive and thrived in sports as a youth.

13. How tall are you? 6’4 or 1,93

14. Favorite subject in school? Math. It was the thing that came most naturally to me… and it took me a long time to define favorites in a way that wasn’t centered around what I’m good at.

15. Dream job? If I could sustain myself on publishing my writing, I would.

Tagging: @bigmammallama5 @lovesastateofmind1 @naralanis @kendrene @ekingston @battenthecrosshatches @msdanvers @meiwan @rocketonthemoon @mrsluthordanvers @xactodreams @thebreakfastgod @thebluewritingbench @mike-wachowski @sexybread-png

And, of course, anyone else who wants to play!

[markcampbells]

As ever, I am both nosy and greedy, so: 💫🌿🕯️🎀

Em, I'm so sorry, I saw you of all people sent me asks for this and my brain shorted out like my Playstation in a recent thunderstorm. 😂 (The Playstation is fine! My brain is debatable.)

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

I really, really appreciate when people call out specific lines or moments they liked! It helps me understand what it is about the stuff I write that resonates with people, and it's just always nice to know what people liked about something I created. I also appreciate the comments I get occasionally where people tell me I helped them view a character differently or consider something they hadn't before! It always feels funny and gratifying to get people thinking differently about something we both know really well.

🌿how does creating make you feel?

Is there any other answer than "like a merciless god?" No, in all sincerity, great. Writing has been my main creative hobby (reading book buying is probably my main hobby in general) since I was ten years old, and nothing has really come close to it in terms of me having an outlet and a way to do something that's, by and large, for myself. I do work with partners, I go in and out of writing fanfiction (we are in an "in" phase at the moment), but I have my own original stuff that I pretty much write for myself because I don't aim to publish, and it feels nice to be able to do what I want and write what I want to see in the world. I've sometimes considered writing something longer I would submit to an independent press or something (I usually get this urge each year after the Brooklyn Book Festival, aka The Day Trai's Wallet Cries, because you spend the day talking to all these folks from indie presses and seeing authors like "yeah! I want to do that!!!"), but for right now, I'm happy making my own little worlds and characters who owe their existence to me.

🕯️was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

pack up the life that's left is probably the hardest thing I've written for McKirk, and in some ways, in general. My dad died when I was young, and in a few ways, that's why McKirk resonates for me so strongly as a character dynamic--AOS Jim's entire life is shaped by his father's death, and even if TOS McCoy's loss of his own father was sort of a last-minute retcon of his character in some ways, it's so wrenchingly acted by DeForest Kelly (and, I think rightfully, called one of the best Trek scenes ever by people who know what they're talking about) that you can't help but accept it as the major moment it is, so when you combine those two characterizations together into one ship where these characters can share those emotions with each other... it's a lot. And it's a kind of relationship I have personal experience with, because my high school best friend lost his father when we were teens, and we've been each other's confidants and consolation in that regard for at least fifteen years. Jim never knew his dad, while I knew mine to a certain extent, but the thing we have in common is that grieving as an adult hits somewhat differently. For myself, I had a period of a few years in my late twenties where I kind of had to reprocess all my grief and think, fuck, I'm a whole person my dad never got to know. And in a lot of ways, I'll never really know my dad beyond what my family and his friends can tell me. I wanted to explore some of those same feelings for Jim--what would it make him feel to learn that his mother had kept a tangible connection to his father from him? And once he's processed that new connection, what will he do with it? While I don't personally observe any faith, my parents had an interfaith marriage, and I grew up most connected to my father's Jewish family. My mom, after his passing, made sure to observe certain customs, including marking my dad and his parents' passing with a yahrzeit candle each year. Because I work with the fanon that Jim is Jewish, with my personal spin on that being that Jim feels somewhat alienated from his faith on the whole post-Frank but is trying to regain it, I knew I wanted to include that in the fic, and so did the best I could to represent that tradition. I have to admit that the most gratifying and touching thing about getting this fic out into the world was the people who took the time to comment by sharing their own stories about loss, and what it meant to them to see a Jewish mourning custom reflected in fic. I really was not expecting that kind of response and it made the effort it took to pull the story together so worth it.

🎀 give yourself a compliment about your own writing

I try as hard as I possibly can to get the emotional side of my work right, and sometimes that gets really difficult when I'm writing about something I haven't personally experienced. I think, in that regard, the thing I'm proudest of is the second chapter of your hands can heal.... I have, honestly, been deeply fortunate to never experience severe mental illness or emotional abuse, and both things figure heavily in Bones' background in that chapter, conveyed to my readers by some fairly sparse flashbacks. I knew I had done my best to write the work in a way that felt true to me, but I wasn't really going to be sure if I had gotten it right until I heard from readers, and the comments I've gotten in response over the years about getting those aspects right have meant more to me than practically any other feedback I've ever gotten.

[mirabel-on-a-bicycle]

Thanks for the tag sappho!! I took a while with this one oof🤧

1. Are you named after anyone? No I'm not, my parents found my name in a book and liked it. And i like it too :)

2. When was the last time you cried? Like a week ago ig, things have been pretty overwhelming fr :/

3. Do you have kids? No, I won't be having them ever thank u

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? No, but same, I used to use it a lot but it doesn't sit right with me now😅 only with my sister ig

5. What sports do you play/have played? Running, football, basketball, volleyball, swimming, pretty much anything I could get my hands on. Took none of them seriously tho :')

6. What's the first thing you notice about people? The vibe they give off, they way they speak. Like, if they're comfortable and forthcoming or closed off, stuff like that. I tend to mirror a lot so. yeah.

7. What's your eye color? an almost black brown also :] little black orbs

8. Scary movies or happy endings? Oh happy endings definitely. I'm not really a scary movie person.

9. Any special talents? Ig I can play the tabla and uhh a bit of ukelele. And I can draw?? ughhf this sounds so boring. Look man, I can look at a really big ball of dough and tell how many medium sized rotis it'll make with scary accuracy and that's the truth. Also all the dogs like me.

10. Where were you born? India :)

11. What are your hobbies? ooh I'm starting to love animating stuff lately, I'm not that good at it yet, but I love it all the same. And drawing (mostly as stress relief), rearranging things to make them easy to find/ understand, reading books and looking things up, finding new artists I like, and analysing films and looking at them really intently and thinking about how they must've shot it like that and why.

12. Do you have pets? Technically no, but there's this cat who comes in regularly to eat and sleep and is here most of the time so... yea idk. Would love to have them later on tho. Her name's Billu btw she's really adorableee but oh so dirty mom won't let me bathe her :(((

13. How tall are you? 5'1 also T-T I tell myself it's good for stealth points as consolation

14. Favorite subject in school? Art class!!! The teachers always showed favoritism towards me and I loved it hehe >:)) Also english, history and maths just cuz the teachers were really good. I kinda miss school ngl :'

15. Dream job? An animator/ film director who writes their own stuff 😌 Also an aeronautical engineer agfshsgs idk whyy I've watched the wind rises I'm really drawn to the idea tho :'))

Open tag!

15 Questions 15 Mutuals

I was tagged by @oh-goodness-loki - TYSM dear!!!

1. Are you named after anyone? No... my Mom liked the name. (I hate it btw, and have taken on another in day-to-day life.)

2. When was the last time you cried? The other day, watching "For all mankind" (which is better than I had thought it would be?!)

3. Do you have kids? A daughter.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot? MEEEEEE???? ^^

5. What sports do you play/have played? I used to ride. Stopped when I got pregnant.

6. What's the first thing you notice about people? Whether they hold eye-contact, maybe?

7. What's your eye color? Dark brown.

8. Scary movies or happy endings? Depends. I don't like torture movies, but I do not like overly saccharine stuff either. Aliens as a prime example for both?! :)

9. Any special talents? Errr.... I used to have a lyrical soprano... wanted to be an opera singer once upon a time.

10. Where were you born? Skipping, sorry.

11. What are your hobbies? Reading, video games, music, vampires. I also read a lot.

12. Do you have pets? I have a cat, Mo.

13. How tall are you? 5'4"

14. Favorite subject in school? Biology and philosophy

15. Dream job? Not sure. I used to love my job a lot, but now it's more and more meetings and... well.

Tagging:

@prigorie @isabellehemlock @lynnenne, @thefairylights @slutaciouslestat @inkyblotposts @burstingbone @blackgirlasis @alcassin @shashiatnight @anannua @dreamofme9 @danissa10 @redversaillesrose @onlymywishfulthinking ... and whoever wants to!

(Feel free to ignore this if you don't want to, obviously^^)

[heshemejoshi]

Ryuji + Alfyn for the character thing?

ALFYN GREENGRASS (octopath traveler)

First impression: i actually didn’t think much of him at first. he didn’t seem that interesting to me at the time. Boy how the turns ended up tableing.

Impression now: he’s still like one of my fave characters ever tbh.. an inspiration for me in a way too. i can relate to a lot of how he acts in his story

Favorite moment: MULTIPLE ACTUALLY.. that one travel banter where he and therion take a nap at the tavern. the scene in his chapter 1 where he speaks to his mama. the ending of his chapter 2 when he cries after saving the siblings and sickly in town…….. wow……..

Idea for a story: i can’t think of any right now but My god. i have so many fic drafts from years ago. i’m too lazy to find them rn but they’re there ok

Unpopular opinion: i don't like how he's drawn in most official art. i hate how he looks in the art of him in the game (the drawing where he's kneeling and consoling a kid. HE IS MAKING SUCH A DRY EMOTIONLESS FACE that's not HIM!!!!!) i've seen too many fan interpretations and drawn him a lot myself to realize his art lacks swag!!!!!! that he has!!!! in the narrative!!!!! which is crazy

Favorite relationship: OFC alfyn/therion. i also really like (non romantically) alfyn + zeph, alfyn + ophilia, alfyn + olberic, alfyn + primrose. this last one i find so fun because alfyn is so bisexual to me i imagine him finding prim hot because honestly. which bisexual doesn’t?

Favorite headcanon: he’s trans. <3

RYUJI SAKAMOTO (persona 5)

First impression: this dude seems cool. i like his hair and swag (scoliosis)

Impression now: i want to look and be like him in the sense that i want to be rowdy and stupid and look cool. i’m already a lil bit machorra but i want more of that swag. sometimes when i wait at the bus stop i try to mimic how he stands in the game. HELP ME.

Favorite moment: when he leaves to grab a soda and burps just after yusuke reflects about his late mom’s painting of her with him on her arms WHY DID HE DO THAT????? STUPID.

Idea for a story: i could rewrite the entirety of persona 5 better. not because i know how to write but because i am a woman (kind of. it’s complicated)

Unpopular opinion: idk i’m not in the fandom either. and i just finished madarame’s arc LMFAO i’m NOWHERE in this game

Favorite relationship: y’know for headcanoning him as bisexual i actually don’t ship him with anyone super strongly.. i think ryuiji/joker (idk if the protag has a canon name or not yet) and he and yusuke are cute though but i haven’t met yusuke that much in order for me to think about if they’re compatible or nah to be honest it's funny that they both coincidentally have issues with their respective father figures. family trauma is so crazy.

Favorite headcanon: he’s bisexual absolutely. discussed it with a friend while playing and we both agree on the vision

[bahamutgames]

Hi-Fi AFTERTHOUGHTS

Game: Hi-Fi Rush (January 25, 2023)

Console: Xbox One (Via Xbox Game Pass)

If it wasn't obvious I haven't really been feeling SUPER up for writing about games I played recently for a lot of reasons. Just been tired and out of it. But I wanna clear up my drafts here and also just get these lingering ideas off my mind. But also, I still keep thinking about Hi-Fi Rush!!

During the move, and especially when the move was done, I ended up injuring myself so I didn't want to do much moving. And I still had a bit of time with a free giftpass subscription. And then on top of it this random little game I saw everyone talking about called "Hi-Fi Rush" was added to the service at around the same time. So it was basically the perfect storm for me to play it and help pass the time while keeping off my feet.

As always, this is NOT a review! I'm just throwing up my thoughts about what I felt while playing it! Any game I talk about here is something YOU should check out for yourself and get your own opinion on (especially this one)

SOME SPOILERS FOR HI-FI RUSH AHEAD!!! FAIR WARNING!!

Opening

So like what I said above, I hadn't really given this game a look over until this move due to all the circumstances coming together to make me wanna check it out. I saw everyone talking about it but I wasn't a huge fan of Chai's design and I didn't think I would have a ton of fun with a rhythm action game. But I'm REALLY happy I decided to finally give it a chance! This game is AMAZING!! I haven't played a ton of new stuff this year but I seriously think Hi-Fi Rush is already my Game of the Year!

Stuff I liked

So right off the bat. MAN the animation and art style of this game is AMAZING! I was actually completely blown away by how good the game looks. It's obviously very anime inspired and I was seriously blown away by just how lively and animated they manage to make the whole thing. Particularly with some REALLY nice facial expressions and like, strong poses? If that makes sense? The game is also so bright and colorful and a total treat to look at. Everything is designed super nicely. The whole game is so dynamic and fun to look at.

The characters are also ALL great! Chai's design really grew on me by the end of it (and I especially just love him as a character, he's great.) But like the whole main team is FANTASTIC! I'm so thirsty for Peppermint and Korsika, it's unreal. Why are they so hot? But Maccaron and CNMN are also super cute and fun and have some GREAT moments! And 808 has such a fantastic design! Each member of the team is also just fun and I like their stories and personalities and how they all get along. The bosses are fun too, although I didn't like them as much cause I have protagonist disease brain. AND THE ROBOTS! Oh man the robots are SO good in this game!! I of course loved the lizard ones but even generic robots and the older models all have such lovely designs! They seriously went nuts with every character here and there really aren't any forgettable designs!

The story and writing was also fantastic! I liked the absolutely bizarre hyper-amazon company they created. The plot is simple but really good. I loved seeing how absolutely terrifying and goofy this whole company was. And the story has some really powerful scenes, like when Chai busts them out of the laser cage thing. I actually almost cried during it aha. And this game is FUNNY!! Like, seriously SUPER funny! There's a surprising amount of really good jokes and even a lot of like, meta humor that's not annoying and is really funny. Almost every line is pretty much gold! I loved the story concept, the world concept, I loved every character's motivation, and it's genuinely pretty cool that the protagonist doesn't have an arm that's something you don't see a lot.

And we can't forget the actual gameplay itself! Lately I'm a lot more into rhythm games but I wasn't sure I would be particularly good at this game. But no I actually did pretty well! The combat feels FANTASTIC with timing your combos to the beat of the song. It sounds like it would be really annoying but it's not and you get the hang of it pretty easily. I also really liked summoning the other allies to help you fight and I made some SERIOUS use of them during the game. Being able to buy chips to customize your gameplay and also buy new moves, even new moves for your teammates, totally rocks and makes the game really customizable which is always nice. Outside of combat the actual movement and platforming around the levels is very linear and can be a little slow but it never felt BORING? I always liked it. And I didn't even do everything you can do! After beating it there's still a new side quest and I didn't have enough to buy the hot work out gear costumes for Peppermint and Korsika! But I absolutely WILL be coming back to this game in the future. No questions asked.

Stuff I didn't like

But, yeah, not even GOTY games are 100% perfect haha. This game does have a few small issues that kinda dragged the game at certain points. I have some nitpicks. Like this game also falls into the trap of having combos be really long nonsense button strings like mashing X a bunch. Also I actually was not a huge fan of the way the huge mega corporation was shown to be like "no guys it was good at one point :(" felt a little like a cop out. Like, yeah I guess it was nice with peppermint's mom and stuff but at the same time. No. These companies were never "good and just got corrupted :(" they were always evil. Remember that.

But my main big issue with this game is absolutely the quick time events. There's a LOT of them. And they're not all bad by any means. And like countering the big enemies' special moves feels AWESOME! But especially towards the end of the game it feels like the game CONSTANTLY stops itself every few seconds to throw a quick time event at you and they can just get kinda draining after a while. Like, the whole Korsika boss is a HUGE quick time event. And a lot of times I felt like I was failing it for no reason? Thankfully I managed to do it in one go. But if I had lost would I have to redo the ENITRE fight again? It's too much.

Another big issue I had isn't actually with the game itself. But more so with how I had to play it. For some odd reason when you play Hi-Fi Rush on game pass you cannot download it! You HAVE to play it through cloud! This was my first time ever playing a full game through cloud streaming. And I'll come out and say it: It sucks! So for most of the game it honestly ran totally fine. But I've NEVER in my entire life had good home internet that always worked 100% of the time. So by the end of the game the game just wasn't cooperating. Random crashes, random massive dips in graphics quality, random huge lag spikes. It became REALLY frustrating and there were times the game would just close out MID CUTSCENE!! It was so annoying. I am not a fan of cloud gaming. I can safely say.

Final Thoughts

Even while writing all these little ramblings down I'm remembering more and more about this game I loved. I completely forgot to mention the home base sections! Which were really charming and cute. Or the really funny and goofy emails you could find scattered around the world. Or the fact it uses actual licensed music and even though I didn't recognize a single one it was a nice touch!\

((OH MY GOD I HAD TO COME BACK IN AFTER FINISHING THE POST TO TELL YOU GUYS THAT THIS GAME ALSO HAS THE BEST PHOTO MODE I'VE EVER SEEN?? With TONS of options and cute ways to pose characters and frame the scenes and stuff! It's NUTS! This game rules))

Hi-Fi Rush is SO awesome!! This game seriously rules! It totally feels like a forgotten PS2/Xbox/Gamecube game that would have a huge cult following now! In the absolute best way possible, of course. This game was an absolute blast to go through and I loved EVERY SINGLE SECOND of it. Even when the quick time events were really annoying.

Apparently this game was a bit of a failure from what I've read? I haven't done too much research into it. But if that's true that's REALLY sad. This game is super creative and looks AMAZING! It's seriously so good looking you guys and it's SO funny! I think this is a game everyone would love if they gave it a shot! I seriously cannot recommend trying it enough! Sometimes AAA games can be good in the modern age! Who knew!!

===

Thanks for reading, I haven't been playing a TON of stuff lately cause I've been really all over the place and a bunch of stupid shit has been happening to me left and right. But I mean, you all see me posting tons about random itch games I'm playing on twitter so. You know I'm still out there somewhere, gaming. Hopefully the rest of this year will be filled with more gems like Hi-Fi Rush!

That's it from me I suppose. Go out and play a game that makes you LOVE music!

[chaotic-on-main]

thanks for the tag!! sorry it's taken me so long, I've been too busy to sit down answer these! but here I am now!!

Are you named after anyone?

not that I know of. my parents actually changed my name when they adopted me. apparently my birth name translated to caroline and they didn't like that lol

When was the last time cried?

uhhhhhh i don't remember. i don't really cry because it's really hard for me to be in kind of vulnerable position. i don't particularly like showing emotions like that (it's a trauma thing, i know) but i will say the closest i've gotten to crying would have been last friday. i was in my head that everyone hated me and that i was annoying everyone i ever interacted with al;ksdkjf

Do you have kids?

I have 3 bunny babies as well as a kitty. :3

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

i don't know, do i? (yes, that's a yes)

What sports do you play/have you played?

i used to play softball in elementary school

What's the first thing you notice about people?

this is gonna sound silly but their vibes lol. (LMAO @humanitys-strongest-bamf I DIDN'T EVEN READ YOUR RESPONSE UNTIL AFTER I TYPED THAT A:LSKJDASL:JD) but it's true. like, i like to think i'm pretty good at picking up vibes in the first 5 minutes of interactions. i'll know when the vibes aren't clicking and that's a sign for me to either mask or disengage lol.

What's your eye color?

suuuuuuper dark brown. like so dark, they almost look black. i've been told i looked like a demon as a youngin'

Scary movies or happy endings?

*eyes all of my fluff pieces* gonna have to go with happy endings here. i'm a romantic at heart and if the movie doesn't end happily i WILL throw myself into the ocean and internally cry about it for days (looking at you Me Before You)

Any special talents?

i feel like this question is very subjective ;alksdjf lmao. uhhh. I can play 6 and 4 string guitars (acoustic, electric, bass, ukulele). I guess I'm creative?? idk. being annoying.

Where were you born?

Vietnam!

What are your hobbies?

writing, watching anime/movies/critical role, cooking, baking, listening to music, having an emotional meltdown, driving for the hell of it, video games (console and PC), playing instruments, doing art projects on Canva (moodboards, etc), sitting in the sun like a lizard on a rock, annoying my husband

Do you have any pets?

3 bunnies and a kitty! technically i have a lot more because i live on a farm but those 4 belong specifically to me

How tall are you?

5'3ish?

Favorite subject in school?

math! I love math so much. I even went to college for it for a couple years before my mental health took a nose dive. I still like to solve algebra problem in this workbook i bought a while ago because it helps refresh my mind

Dream job?

staying home and doing the things I wanna do lol. can i just be paid to exist al;skdjf. idk, i still don't know what i wanna do with my life. i'm wandering aimless in this world and i'm just ignoring it. blissfully ignorant by choice. :')

open tags because I'm sure a lot of my taglist moots have already been tagged, but if not please do this!! I wanna get to know you all :3

ooo ty for tag! @luvjiro

i'm sorry i've been sucking at doing tag games kdfjkdf

og post: x

Are you named after anyone?

not really. i think my middle name was inspired by my mom's best friend's name but she's an avid trump supporter so i'm hesitant on acknowledging that lmao my chinese name is in conjunction with my sister's though! our names together mean sweet honey :)

When was the last time you cried?

saturday :') i thought my husband was mad at me and had a meltdown djfkjdfk

Do you have kids?

i have two fur children :3

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

yep. sometimes i can't tell when it's appropriate. it's just a part of my personality at this point.

What sports do you play?/have you played? 

not a sports person. i'm not even able to really go to the gym so i'm not physically fit in any way 

What's the first thing you notice about people?

their "vibe" if that makes any sense? like i can usually tell if someone's being off or sus

What's your eye color? 

brown :)

Scary movies or happy endings? 

probably happy endings otherwise i won't be able to sleep for like a month dkfjdkjf

Any special talents?

i'm a percussionist! i'm also hypermobile but idk if that counts as a talent. i can type really fast! so i guess there's that idk lol

Where were you born? 

chicago :)

What are your hobbies? 

writing (duh), giffing, janky adult coloring, gaming

Do you have any pets?

two fur children!!

How tall are you? 

5'2 :') yes i am shorter than levi

Favourite subject in school? 

i'm going with traditional class subjects? probably english. kinda wish i minored in english for undergrad :/

Dream job? 

oh idk, something i'd enjoy but that would actually pay well? i'm pretty excited for my current profession though

#: @strawberrystepmom @lucysarah-c @ohmytomorrowisthursday @randomlevithoughts @fscottcatsgerald @littlerequiem @marleysfinest @roseofdarknessblog @arminsfavegf @prettyiwa @averysmolbear @belovedackerman @mrsackxrman @wyvernslovecake @sixpennydame @dont-f-with-moogles @chaotic-on-main @heichoudarling @bruhm0mentum @levisbrat25 @ackermendick @happybird16 @candybarbucky + you! :3